O Captain, My Captain

It’s 4:30am and the tears have finally started. Rolling down my cheeks faster than yesterday’s rain. I feel as if I could drown in them. There is a pain in my chest where my heart resides. I thought I had it so well protected,insulated ,guarded, hidden. I’ve had to give myself many pep talks during the last few months. “Love cannot be a part of this.” I tried to remind myself each time I heard his voice, saw his sweet face, read his words, rested in his arms. Now I’m left wondering if I will ever be in those strong arms again or put my hands on that face that has become so precious to me. A question asked with the wrong words, given the wrong impression, has ruined me. I’m undone and once again I’m alone. How could I make him think I would even want anyone else?The thought is a knife twisting in my already shattered heart. It’s him. Only him. He’s the balm that has soothed my weary and aching soul. Yes, we need each other. We found a sanctuary, a sweet hiding place within one another. We were gaining momentum, showing promise. And we were excited about it. Like a child who is anticipating their birthday and all of the magic and surprises that day holds… we were looking to every moment together as a treasured gift. It’s rare to find this gift, these unexpected moments, delighting in one another. We were learning one another. He was allowing me in to see the secret places of who he is. I was a giddy school girl each time he held my hand, yet a desirable woman each time he held my body. He called me beautiful, as if it was the name given me at birth. And I came to think of him as my Captain. How fitting, this title my heart bestowed upon him. He was guiding me, leading me through uncharted courses, teaching me more of myself, causing me to yield more and more to his capable, caring hands. 

We both struggle with situations that have fueled our search for respite. Unmet needs, uncaring hearts. Yet we found each other. I think he found me first and his name had been the song of my heart ever since. It can’t be ending. Please don’t say it’s ending. We’re just starting. There is much more caring, holding, learning, touching to do. So much more. My heart is so full of the deepest affection for you. Before you, I was so lost and lonely. I had given up on ever being truly cared for. I need you, my Captain. And you need me. These are stormy seas but with our strength carrying us and our hearts compelling us, we can navigate this storm together, proving to ourselves what we’ve known…what has grown between us is a good thing. A bond. Let’s not allow outside forces to break it. We need each other so desperately. We can get through this and make it work. Please. I’m drowning without you. 

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