Today has been one of those days that I wish I could go back and do over. Golfers get mulligans, right? Actors get multiple takes. Musicians, when rehearsing, get a good old “play it again, Sam!” So, why can’t I have a do over on this day? I would ignore the sting of rejection and rejoice in the warmth of the sun on my face. My heart would sing instead of sigh. I would be better, do better. Deserve affection. Have arms around me instead of just moments of whatever.
I’ll borrow from my pal, Puck, also known as Robin Goodfellow, in A Midsummer Night’s Dream by William Shakespeare. His monologue in Act Five, Scene One pretty much sums it up for me right this moment…..
“If we shadows have offended,
Think but this, and all is mended,
That you have but slumbered here
While these visions did appear.
And this weak and idle theme,
No more yielding but a dream,
Gentles, do not reprehend:
If you pardon, we will mend:
And, as I am an honest Puck,
If we have unearned luck
Now to ‘scape the serpent’s tongue,
We will make amends ere long;
Else the Puck a liar call;
So, good night unto you all.
Give me your hands, if we be friends,
And Robin shall restore amends.”
Puck reminds us that this whole play is basically a dream. So, if we are offended by it, or do not like it, we are encouraged to embrace it for what it is…a dream, a non reality, nonsense. “That you have but slumbered here while these visions did appear”…see? We were merely sleeping while these things happened. And wow! What a crappy dream! Bring on my “do over”….you know….the one where I am fully embraced. The one where I am NOT held at arm’s length….kept at a “safe” distance where I feel like I have to beg for affection or be perfect in order to earn affection, time, and attention. Please, someone, wake me up already! Remind me that I am worth it. I have value. I have worth!
“Gentles, do not reprehend. If you pardon, we will mend.” Yes, let the pardons begin. I have much for which I need pardon. The mending will follow. Maybe. Hopefully. There is so much mending needed. My heart has so many ragged edges. Blest be the needle and thread that take up this endeavor. I’m tired, worn, and weary.
This is only a dream…only a dream….only a…..*yawn*